Yang terdalam.

Terlalu banyak kata bahkan kalimat di kerongkongan.
Tanpa nafsu tidak ada niatan untuk mengucap lisan.
Ingin cerita, tanpa ditanya.
Ingin bicara, tanpa disela.

Tidak semua pertanyaan perlu jawaban.
Dunia sudah sesak dengan manusia bermulut banyak tanpa telinga.
Bicara banyak, tanpa mendengar.. adalah alasan mengapa sebagian orang memilih tidak bicara.
Tidak ingin ribut, tidak ingin kusut.


Air mata tidak akan jatuh tanpa alasan mengapa.


Allah. Izinkan aku bertemu denganmu.
Satu menit saja untuk bertanya..
Engkau boleh memberikan jawaban apapun untukku. Sudah tugasku mempelajarinya.. Sudah tugasnya mencoba memahaminya.
Satu menit saja. Izinkan aku menangis dihadapanmu. Izinkan aku bersujud tepat dihadapanmu.
Izinkan aku menangis dalam pelukmu.

Apa aku salah? Aku ingin berada dalam pelukanmu.. walau mungkin masih kurang pantas.
Aku memohon padamu Ya Allah. Dengan kerendahan hatiku.. Dengan sakitnya aku.. Dengan air mataku.. Izinkan aku menyeret sajadahku dan bersujud tepat dihadapanmu.

Aku yakin engkau tidak akan bertanya kenapa.. Engkau Yang Maha Tau.
Aku yakin kau tidak akan mengusirku.. Engkau Yang Maha Penyayang.
Aku yakin kau tidak akan mengacuhkanku.. Engkau Yang Maha Pendengar.
 .

Aku hanya ingin menangis sejadi-jadinya, dihadapanmu. Aku yakin takkan pernah habis air mataku ketika bertemu denganmu..
Aku yakin engkau tau, berapa puluh sajadah kuganti karena basah tetesan air mata.

Kau Yang Maha Agung.. tak pantas aku berhadapan denganmu.
Tapi Allah, izinkan aku. Izinkan aku. Pantaskan aku

Allah.. sudah cukup. Aku mohon. Tukar air mata ini dengan kebahagiaan yang kau janjikan. 

Banyak niatku untuk membahagiakan banyak orang. Banyak niatku untuk menolong umatmu. 

Permudahlah yang sulit Ya Allah. Kabulkanlah air mataku ketika aku menangis kesulitan tanpa pertolongan..

Engkau Yang Maha Penolong.. 

Aku kesulitan mencari pertolongan. Cukuplah engkau yang menolongku. Rasanya sulit melakukan segalanya sendiri. 

Rasanya tidak kuat walau mencoba kuat. 

Rasanya lelah.

Rasanya..

Aku ingin mati rasa sebentar saja. 

Aku tau banyak doaku padamu. Tapi aku tidak pernah meminta pada siapapun kecuali Allah.  

Berikan aku sedikit kekuatanmu. Berikan aku pertolongan dalam bentuk apapun. 

Ketika mungkin ragaku tak bergerak. Ketika mungkin seseorang membacanya ketika aku sudah hilang.

Aku selalu berusaha. Selalu. dan terkadang, itu melelahkan.

Kamu.. percayalah. Masih banyak orang diluar sana yang berteriak dalam hati meminta pertolongan.

Kamu tidak sendirian.

The Observant

Udah lama gak nulis apa-apa disini. Kasian blognya, udah berdebu. Dia bilang kangen sama aku. Tapi akunya cuek. 

Aku mah emang gitu anaknya.

Gak apa -apalah ya.

Eh, kamu. Kamu pernah gak nemuin sesuatu dari diri kamu sendiri?

Nganalisis diri kamu sendiri? Atau.. mikirin diri kamu sendiri gitu?

"Oh ternyata aku gak bisa makan pedes, tapi suka pedes" gitu misalnya? Atau.. "Oh ternyata.. aku lebih nyaman jadi introvert dibanding extrovert.. Eh.. Tapi kadang, suka juga kok ditempat rame. Gimana ya?"

"Aku gini.. tapi kadang, aku juga gitu"

"Ya.. aku pengennya sih gitu.. Tapi aku juga gak selalu mau ngelakuin itu"

Hal yang gini-gitu, bertolak belakang gitu.. Pernah gak kaya gitu? 

Atau jangan jangan sering?

Atau jangan jangan satu tipe sama aku?

Yang kadang paham banget sama diri sendiri.. Tapi kadang bingung jelasinnya gimana?

Atau lebih tepatnya, gak merasa perlu dijelasin? Atau lebih tepat lagi.. Baru mau jelasin kalo ditanya?

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Aku emang observant anaknya. Bukan cuma nganalisis orang, atau sekitar, tapi kadang juga diri sendiri.

Tapi ternyata, enggak semudah baca sifat orang lain. 

Aku yakin, kamu juga kadang gak tau apa yang kamu mau. Ya kan?

Kadang nih.. Kadang aja sih. Kadang..

Kamu bingung mau makan apa, padahal laper banget. Mih goreng, bosen. Nasi pake ayam, bosen. Gak mau yang berkuah. Gak mau yang digoreng. Gak mau junkfood. Ingin sesuatu, tapi gak tau apa.

Atau..

Kamu bingung mau ngapain.. Nonton tv udah gak ada yang mengibur, nonton lawakan, tetep cemberut. Nonton sinetron, gaksuka. Nonton dvd lagi males. Tidur ogah. Keluar panas. Main hp bosen. Ngedota, capek. Skripsian, pusing. Dengerin playlist, udah basi.

Ya gitu. 

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Ini bukan curhat, Ini bukan diary. Jelas lah. Namanya aja blog bukan diary.

Lagian kalo ini curhat, isiniya pasti begini --> dear diary... Hari ini aku blah blah blah bahasa melankolis.

Ini nggak.

Cuma lagi kepengen nulis aja. 

Lately sih aku lagi ngerasa begini.

Ingin jelasin aku itu ABC sampai Z beserta titik koma tanda seru tanda tanya tanda kurung segala macem. I mean, ALL, no exception.

Tapi di satu sisi.. Ya untuk apa, dan.. rumit kalo dijelasin.

Contoh kecil. 

Kadang aku rasa aku supel, bisa nyaman banget sama orang, act like crazy, tapi kadang.. 7 turunan, beda banget. Juteklah. Dinginlah. No emotion lah. Ya terserah kalian namain apalah apalah.

Kadang aku suka gak suka tempat rame, tapi kadang.. gak masalah juga dateng ke tempat rame

Atau kadang gini..

Aku lebih seneng nulis, dibanding ngomong. Tapi kadang, kalo lagi kepengen ngobrol, bisa berjam-jam sampe restoran tutup. Dari sunrise sampe sunset malah bisa jadi sampe ada bintang kejora bertaburan. Segala diceritain. 

Gituloh maksudnya.

Kadang, emang lebih mudah baca sifat orang lain di banding sifat sendiri. Tapi aku doyan banget nganalisis orang, entah kenapa. Selalu aja penasaran kenapa si A itu jadi A, bukan si A dengan sifat B, misalkan. Atau.. ingin tahu.. kenapa si A itu ngelakuin A, bukan B. 

Lebih ingin tau 'kenapa'. Aku percaya apa yang orang lakuin itu ada alesannya.

Tapi.. kebanyakan yang orang percaya, bukan itu..

Kebanyakan orang percaya, setiap apapun yang dilakuin, ada akibatnya. 

Aku pengen tau kenapa-kenapa-nya itu, bukan karna kepo. Bukan. Aku sangat menghargai privasi orang lain, makanya kalo cerita, gak pernah maksa orang buat cerita. Paling cuma bilang "yaudah, kalo gamau cerita.. gapapa. Tapi kalo mau cerita, aku mau kok dengerin, siapa tau walaupun blm tentu bisa bantu, seenggaknya kamu lebih enakan". 

Kalimat itu yang pasti keluar kalo aku nyium ada yang gak beres.

Aku yakin sih.

Setiap orang pasti ngerasa 'gak begitu perlu' nyeritain semuanya. Jadi ya untuk apa di ulik-ulik. Live private life, privately. Itu prinsipnya. Aku tipe orang yang gitu. Kalo aku gak cerita, ya antara gak penting-gak ditanya-atau emang gak mau cerita. Jadi ya.. tebak tebak ajalah ya. Pinter pinter buat bikin pertanyaan.

Aku yakin banyak privasi orang yang gak bisa dan gak harus diceritain

Dari semua analisis yang selama ini dilakuin.. Alasan kenapa aku bisa kasih sudut pandang yang kadang gak semua orang bisa liat. Kenapa aku bisa mikir A B C sampe A'1 A'2 A'3 B'1 B'2 dikala semua orang cuma kepikiran A B C D langsung tanpa akar dan sebab akibatnya.

Aku bukan tipe orang yang cuma bisa bilang sabar tanpa tau yang disuruh sabar udah sesabar apa. 

Kenapa kadang suka bingung mau ceritain apa, padahal cerita mah banyak. Kenapa kadang suka bingung nanya saran. Ya karna itu tadi..

 Kalo sekarang gini.. nanti gitu.. kalo ngga ngelakuin ini, nanti gitu.. tapi kalo ngelakuin itu, nanti yang ini gak akan begini. 

Yang aku liat, udah sampai akar. Udah paham. Rumit lah rumit paham. 

Kalo kamu ada di otak aku selama sewindu juga belum tentu bisa kabur kalo tersesat. Film maze runner  aja mah labirinnya udah lewat.

Makanya, jarang cerita kalo gak ditanya. 

Tapi dari diri aku sendiri aku belajar gak semua urusan orang harus kamu cari tau. 

Karna ya cepat atau lambat, waktu yang bakal ngasih tau. Antara kamu tau sendiri, atau orang itu yang kasih tau kamu. Yang jelas... jangan tau dari orang lain. Itu yang paling bener.

Selebihnya, kenapa aku suka jadi observant..

Aku cuma ingin baca "pola". Aku suka baca pola. Aku suka nebak, dan cari tau salahnya dimana.

Aku sih biasanya bilangnya gitu. 

Menurut aku wajar kalo orang lain gak ngerti sama kita, ya karna kita sendiri kadang bingung sama diri kita. Ya kan?

Butuh waktu buat paham sama diri sendiri. Sebuah observasi yang lifetime process kayanya. Soalnya ya sifat bisa berubah seiring waktu dan lingkungan. 

Sekarang aja pelan-pelan belajar. Aku juga gitu.

Coba deh pahami diri kamu.. siapa tau bisa jawab beberapa pertanyaan kamu sama diri kamu sendiri. Sejauh ini sih aku rasanya gitu.

Dan banyak untungnya kalo kamu paham sama diri kamu.. 

Kamu bisa bangkit lebih kuat di sisi terlemah kamu. Kamu bisa ignore semua ancaman yang kamu rasain. Kamu tau persis gimana caranya nanganin masalah atau pikiran, dengan cara kamu sendiri.

Kamu bisa kontrol apa yang ada di dalem diri kamu. Kamu bakal lebih paham, gimana nanganin sesuatu buat diri kamu sendiri. Kamu bisa lebih termotivasi dengan cara kamu sendiri.

It's true.. It's true.. 

"They can't pull the trigger if you don't hand them the gun".

Lesson Learned

04.49pm.
Home is being wet by raindrops. I'm done praying and reading Yassin and Al-Mulk.
Since i knew that Allah will never neglect pray when rain is falling down. It's a good chance to beg.

Here i write my thought as message, so we all can have lesson learned from my experience.
This is just one that unseen from many.

This gonna takes your time, so read deeply.

This morning, my mom left me with this kinda situation again. The kind that makes me act like grown up in a young age.

I am here with my 8months years old nephew.
Just both of us in the house.
Just so you know, this isn't my first-time-experience.
Even if now am doing my final paper (skripsi). This time is really hectic.
And tough i have my own business to do, i always try to back up my mom while her job need her presence immediately. She is a headmaster.

For the past few months since my sister gave a birth of her son, I learned a lot from how-does-it-feels-as-a mother-of a son.
It isn't...
Hmmm.. No... It will never be easy at the first time.

Me as mommy's third daughter who wants to get married at young age (atleast i want at 24), is now being trusted to handle her grandchild. She thinks that i proper to have a children of my own,
Me too.. I think i am ready.

Is that so?

Yeah.
Because i've been taken care of my nephew while my sister and her husband gone to work everyday.
My mom, dad, and myself is now  alternately together take care of this cute little boy.
Day by day.. three of us calling out each other by phone to get to know who's gonna be home soon, or who's cannot be home soon. We've done that since we don't have baby sitter or maid (we don't easily trust strange people because of our terrible experiences).
So.. Well.. All of us are babysitting.


The picture beside as addition that may tell you : "you will know how relief it is to have a baby sleeping in your chest, it means they comfortable enough being with you. And for me, am not naif, i could be pretty tired with my day, but.. still such a pleasure when he is whining to get hold up in my arms, i guess it means he knows whose arm is warm. That's why i always want to hold him up when he cries"

This is my story. I hope you can learn what i've learned. 

Our parents, mom&dad (mine even yours) try to work so hard from sunrise to sunset so they can raise lot of money for our family living. Afterwards, they finally arrive home safely bring us food or asking have we ate something.
In fact, we don't even know how they reach home.

Was the sun burning their skin? Or how bad the rain's making them wet?
Were they got home by public transport? Or were they walking by themself?
Were they daydreaming while driving alone?
 Were they crying thinking of us as their children?
Were they fall asleep while on the way home?
We dont even know what they've been trough. We don't see the effort.
What we only know is they are finally arrive home safely.

After they arrive,  i see they don't just sit, drink coffee, or doing something that wasting time, but they hold their grandchild up and play with them.

What i learn here is no matter how tired they were at work it will be beaten by love.

Me as their daughter really-really-really appreciate their effort and sometimes cannot belive how tough they trying to be.
Altough it isn't my first time babysitting my nephew, but far before they come today, i was at home in the morning holding up my nephew in my arms, saying goodbye and careful to my parents when they gone work.. And i eventually being left to take care of this cute nephew of mine.


When i was alone.. I suddenly thinking of my parent's effort.
 Oh my dear... this is huge lessons for me if then i married by someone.
Thanks Allah, i am being trusted to handle this such things by my own parents.

In daily, i usually clean up whole house.. doing anykind like sweeping, washing dishes and clothes, etc you name it.
You may think that am old fashioned or attention seeker. But i think if i didn't do it myself.. What can i do while having a family of my own in the future.
Altough i wan to be career woman, this way is my way of preparing as a good wifey.

If Allah never picked me in this faith, i may never learned anything.. and now i know how to change diapers, how to wash baby's bottle properly, (it needs to be sterilized), how to holding up a baby, how to feed them, how to shower them, etc.
Next lesson i learned..

It is not easy standing up as a parent.

You should do anything in a second. You should be hurry if they (the baby) crying and whining for milk. You should be talking with them all day long just to make them staying up without tears of boredom. You should never stop try to feed them, eventough they wont, they should eat. You should never leave them alone as if you scared they will hurt themself, broke something, or eat something that shouldn't be eaten. 
Because they can't even talked yet, you should know what they want, is that milk, food or just whining begging for being hold up. 
You should multitasking if you wanted to eat. You should never take your eyes off of them, You should be ready to carry, and hold them up if they want so. No matter how heavy they are nor no matter how tired, no matter how limp, no matter how sleepless, no matter how overthink  you are. You should be ready to face them. You should take them for walk no matter how tired you've been after work.
That is effort showing in the name of love.

I told you.. This isn't easy. You may just read this like "bla bla bla whatsoever" and so on.
 But...
Trust me.
You will feel what i feel if
1. You have to babysit your nephew or niece.
2. You raise your own baby.


From all my experience, i say i can do such things up there.. but the point is not really there.
What message i want to deliver to you as a reader is..

Love your parents for real!

Say thanks for taking care of you, or even your child later if you had one. That is one of the best way to appreciate their time and effort. It wont make your dignity drop down your knees.

I see how tired being a parent. I see how they show they love by carrying their grandchild altough they having an ill. I see how they trying to help us. I see how they try to staying up all night just to take care of their grandchild, by woke up in the mid of night just to give them milk.
I see how they don't want us (as their child) having lack of sleep taking care of our child. That's why they are sleepless when we don't. They back us up.
I see kinda effort they give when they try to feed the grandchild as if they're trying to escape.
Another point of few i see is..

If they do that kinda way with huge effort for their grandchild, in what way they raised us til now?
It must be the biggest effort since we were their own child. Not grandchild.

If their love is big for their grandchild, how big is the love for their child?
It must be the biggest love by now we still taken care of by them..

If they about to have lack of time to sleep just to take care of their grandchild, how many times they have lack of sleep to feed us milk when we were kid?

And.. so on.

Really, pals.
Be thankful if now you still have parents raising yourself.
Be thankful if maybe you have child of your own and still can be taken care of by your parents. Because as far as now i see my parents taking care of my sister's son.. I start to pray that they can take care  of my childs later. I always beg Allah to give them longlife ahead.

I saw how much loves they give for us also for their grandchild.

Then please.. If later you have child of your own, don't blame them from anything. Do not ever.
Because what they see, what they do, what they are talking about, what they are worrying about, is because they love your child as much as you do.

Afterwards, if something happened to your child.. Try to rethink of it deeply and find a way as solutions. Act like real mom & dad. Be grown up as adult. It's okay if you needed help, but if it's still possible, try not to ask a favor from our parents (remember: they already done so much favor in raising you and your child). 
Don't blame anyone. Don't blame yourself. Because that is a faith as our trial from Allah.
Allah put you to it, Allah will let you trough it.


PS: This post being written by english as i think the higher intelectual need to have life-lesson learned.